i <3 bill bryson

i just re-read i'm a stranger here myself, where the infamous "you can never go home again" quote is from. i had to write some of these down.

"Best of all, the weather stays at a generally congenial level, unlike Iowa, where I grew up and where the temperature and humidity climb steadily with every passing day of summer until by mid-August it is so hot and airless that even the flies lie down on their backs and just quietly gasp. It's the mugginess that gets you. Step outside in Iowa in August and within twenty seconds you will experience a condition that might be called perspiration incontinence. It gets so hot that you see department store mannequins with sweat circles under their arms."

"I grew up in Iowa, a thousand miles from the nearest ocean, so to me (and I believe to most other Iowans, though I haven't had a chance to check with all of them yet) the word ocean suggests alarming things like riptides and undertows. (I expect people in New York suffer similar terrors when you mention words like cornfields and county fair.)

"If Arthur's goal in life was to grow rather splendid facial hair and leave plenty of room in the history books for the achievements of other men, then his presidency can be ranked a sterling success."

this one isn't quite bill bryson, but it's from red green. and equally funny:

"this is something you need to attract girls."

"fluency in klingon!"